Mr. MotherOfDragons doesn’t have the luxury of working from home so throughout the day the Dragons and I are essentially unsupervised and generally unproductive. To further this debacle of a situation, there is also no clarification on the chain of command. Most days the dog is the king of the roost and it’s an absolute shit show.
You know the old adage, boys will be boys? Well I’m here to tell you I’m living it. I’m in the eye of the hurricane and it’s only getting faster and exponentially larger. You see, bringing these Dragons into the world was a life changing decision that literally spun the earth off its axis. From the second my boys exited the womb they hit the ground running and haven’t slowed down for a second. Not even to sleep. As Clark Griswald puts it: “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” Yeah. Clark gets it.
As for you, mothers of those sweet, tiny, infant baby boys who have yet to live the tale, here’s my greatest, most unsurpassed advice: There’s no stopping it from happening, so start working on your IDGAF attitude now.
#1: The time we went to the Mexican restaurant (the only restaurant in town that is Dragon approved) and #1 decided my sweet tea was a dumping ground for all of his play things
#2: The time he drank said play things:
#3: The time he visited #2 for a midnight play date#4: The time he turned our computer into a priceless masterpiece with a gold sharpie(no worries.. the Mr. Clean Eraser took care of it before Mr. MotherOfDragons came home and no one was the wiser. …Until he reads this post…)
#8: The time he thought he was part of an African Aboriginese Tribe...And then brought it inside… Seriously, WHO is watching this kid? #9: The phase he went through when he and Jerry had to have their morning pee together every morning#10: The time he and Jerry snuck in for a nap time play date with #2 (ok this is super cute) #11: The time he underestimated the extent of his potty training. #12: The time his skin was too ashy
#16: And then took it back to the bedroom.. #17: The time he confused the door mat for the potty. Clearly, this was one of the days the dog was in charge. #18: The time he forgot his gardening overalls. Seriously, WHO THE HELL is in charge of this kid? AND who is taking the pictures? #19: The time he thought fellow golfers needed a naked welcome#20: The time he forgot what a helmet was #21: The time he channeled his inner Al Bundy#22: Red lipstick
For the record: very few people look good in red lipstick. and those people are usually juggling.
#23: The time he channeled his inner teenager and tried to TP the house.
#24: The time he thought he was finally mature enough to handle his wine and proved himself way wrong. Again. …and then lapped it up like a calico cat#25: The time he thought #2 needed a makeover #26: The time he thought his name was Genevieve Gorder & decided to redecorate mama’s newly renovated bathroom before the grout had even been mixed#27: The time we stopped for gas and he mysteriously ended up on the windshield#28: The time he thought his cupcake needed a little extra seasoning#29: The time he thought he was invisible #30: The time he thought he was the bowling ball
And #31: The time he thought he was visiting a nudist colonyThe way I see it, you can either have a sense of shame OR have small children, and I have dragons. Its like Mr. MotherOfDragons repeatedly says: “The inmates are running the asylum” and I think he’s exactly right.
**Please don’t call child services