First things first: A few warnings

1) Mom & Pop.. this article is exactly what the title implies so you might want to skip this one. Pop, I’m not kidding. There is no telling what is to be written in the following paragraphs and it is not a topic I’m eager to discuss in front of the family during Sunday lunch.

2) I’ll try to keep this as “G” rated as possible by using a ridiculous amount of euphemisms. After all, it is what we southerners are famous for.

A’hem…

If you, like me, were part of the 82 gazillion viewers who tuned in to watch 19 Kids and Counting’s Jill & Derek tie the knot last night (in a veryyyyy looonnnngggg 2 hour special) you may have a few concerns; mainly how/why they saved their 1st kiss until their wedding day, their outrageously short courtship, and a mysterious trip to the confession booth after the ceremony. THIS NEEDS TO BE DISCUSSED.

I don’t even know where to start. Seriously. There are so many questions.

First of all, the dingalings only dated like 3 months before they got engaged. OF COURSE they think they’re made for each other – with the main force behind this ideology being the sooner they can get into the others pants, the better.

Not to mention, the “honeymoon phase” usually lasts a good 6-9 months before things start to go down hill and I need to see them survive a good emotional break down (and maybe even a pregnancy scare) before I can take their partnership seriously.

But I digress..

In 3 months, Derek hasn’t even had time to check out the lay of the land much less identify his own sexual compulsions and we certainly wouldn’t want any Bi-Curious George’s on our hands..  Now that would be a disaster for papa Duggar. And Jill, too, I guess. Or maybe not? Who’s to say what kind of silly shenanigans rocks their boats?

Furthermore, studies have shown that 78% of dating couples are sexually incompatible. So basically, Jill & Derek have a 78% chance of doing the no pants dance all by their lonesome.. For the rest of their lives..  My best advice?  Take off your abstinence sweatpants and go to college where you can experiment to your hot spots content. Hell, even if you’re only there to get your MRS you can still minor in Oral History ( <– btw, that’s an actual class, you perverts).

Ok moving on. I think we can all agree on the degree of ridiculousness that was their courtship.

So after a grueling 3 months filled with activities in outercourse, the Big Day finally arrived. Before they walked down the aisle (but after the 1st look), producers of the show asked them what they’re looking forward to most on this day. Their response?

“Our first kiss”

BULL TO THE SHIT!!!!!!

What about making whoopie? The Vatican Roulette? The Wild Thing? The Slap & Tickle? Roughing up the Suspect? Extramarital Calisthenics? Nothing? Didn’t anyone gift to you The Joy of Sex at any of your bachelor/bachelorette parties? I know you received The Joy of Cooking so I’ll assume you received a copy of both.

Some time later, after their predictable much anticipated first kiss, they ran down the aisle and disappeared for a while (read: exactly 3 minutes). Afterwards, they met up with the production crew looking completely dewey eyed (read: disheveled & bewildered) where they were re-asked their favorite part of the day.

(now remember, their ENTIRE relationship was spent in the company of a chaperon in order to ‘keep them accountable’ ..which, by the way, is absolutely ridiculous. If you aren’t mature enough to set your own boundaries then you aren’t mature enough to get married. Period)

“What was your favorite part of your wedding day?”

“The few minutes we shared alone together after the ceremony”

I SHIT YOU NOT.

Like no big deal. Just a little casual sex in the confession booth.

(FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE VIRGIN MARY please tell me they didn’t confuse The Joy of Sex with The Joy of Cooking.. hair pie, anyone?)

I think the obvious question here is weather or not the rest of the guests acknowledged this …encoreof sorts AND did they line up for a congratulatory hand shake/tip of the hat for the bride and groom who just lost their v-cards?

Wham-Bam-Thank-Ya-Ma’am!!!!

Anywho, looks like their wedding turned out to be a real hootenanny and I’m a little upset I wasn’t invited. ..But then I realized there are several dozen other Duggar weddings to be had and I’m making it a personal mission to crash at least one of them.