…Because that’s what’s up.

Back story: When #1 was 18 months old he was potty trained for 3 days. Then he decided he was over it. When he turned 2, I decided it was time to put on his Monsters Inc. underwear and try again.

Day 1 of “Systematic Potty Training” ended in total disaster. To say that there were a few potty training miscommunications would be an understatement. The Nile River ran through my living room, through the kitchen, out the back door, side doors, and down the driveway. If at one point #1 was able to pee in the potty, he certainly wasn’t able to connect the dots now.

Oh, I could get him on the toilet, easy-peasy. Convincing him to stay there for longer than .02 seconds proved to be quite the challenge.

Clearly, I needed one of these…. pronto

Target was fresh out.

Dammit.

So I went to the place I always go for the best advice for my parenting woes. The Internet. She was full of advice. When to do it, where to do it, and more specifically, how to do it. She even told me of a practice used by idiots who don’t even use diapers and claim the kid is potty trained the minute they exit the womb. Maybe they enjoy Nile River living.. I, on the other hand, do not.

But I digress.. back to my research.

In a nutshell, the Internet had lost its damned mind.

First, I found this book that actually exists.

After I got over the initial shock I realized it addressed my deepest feelings toward the subject. Truer words had never been spoken and obviously, this was my ticket to freedom.

Next stop: baby urinals. I’m all about being realistic and this is as close as it gets.

Then there was this:  I couldn’t help but think this would teach #1 to pee on animals, and that’s the last thing the cat needs.

I even found these creatures of the ivory throne: 

Teaching a child to play with “Pee & Poo” (whether it be warm or stuffed) is undoubtedly a horrible idea.

I was at a loss. For the first time since ’99 the internet had failed me.

That’s when it hit me: all good things are done in the nude and potty training is no exception.

So off came the Monsters Inc. underwear and I was scared to death of what might, could, and more than likely would happen. The possibilities were endless. 

The rules were simple: #1 had to stay naked, all day, e’rr day.

Sunbathing, Sliding, Ice-Cream-Eating…

Naked, Naked, Naked. 

Taking care of #2? (No pun intended)

Naked.

Even play dates were spent basking in his own glory.

The only one questioning our tactics was Jerry.

Judge all you want, Judgey McJudgersons. It worked. He immediately knew where to go & how to do it. Every. Single. Time. 

That is, until he put clothes on and I found myself kayaking through the house yet again.

The only thing I knew for sure was that I needed to place the highest bid on this Potty-Car and fast.

Apparently, FedEx’s policy on over-nighting large freight from Uganda sucks and it was going to take 3 months for it to get here. Ain’t no mom got time for that.

So back to the potty we went. This time with a new strategy: squatting.

This badass trick was the only thing that kept us from drowning and we never looked back. Wearing clothes? No longer a problem! Even Jerry was ecstatic.

And that, boys and girls, is how it’s done.

…Anyone need a potty car?

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