1) Anything that starts with “gourmet” or ends with “from scratch” is a guaranteed disaster. Ain’t no mom got time for kitchen disasters.  

2) Answering “What you doing?” which is immediately followed by “why?” 30040950 times a day. Here’s Siri. That bitch  angel from heaven will talk to you alllllllll day.

3) “Clean” and “organic” eating. I’ve got at least 602 errands to run today and fighting the hippies at Whole Foods ain’t on my list. (Also see #1)4) Home made facials. Ain’t nobody got time to pick out all that dog hair. 5) Speeding Tickets. I have two screaming dragons in the back seat and I’m pretty sure one just caught something on fire. There’s a reason I’m speeding.

6) Brushing the back of my hair. No one can see it anyway, right?

7) Going anywhere. Because it looks like this. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

8) Trying on clothes. Because, inevitably, this will happen. Ain’t no mom got time for that. 9) Laundry. Just vacuum those bitches up. 

10) Orchestrating the perfect Christmas card. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

11) Marathon training. For 3 hours on a Saturday?? When we could be sleeping?

12) Golfing. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

13) Shopping. Which ultimately turns into marathon training. (See #8 & #11)14) Pups. Well, I’ve got time for that